Concerning Smoothies
by Minnet
Summary: Saix wants a smoothie, but... WTF? Someone took the blender. He finds it in a certain person's room, and someone ends up getting kicked in the diaphragm. Cursing and slight perversion. Laugh a little, will ya?


Because I felt like it.

There's talk of pads and tampons near the end, so, if you're incredibly weak of heart and easily offended, don't read the first paragraph after the third set of X's.

I don't own _Kingdom Hearts_. May contain references to any of my other stories, I'm just not sure yet. 'Kay?

- - -

It was some random wonderful morning in The World That Never Was. Saïx walked out of his room on the seventh floor of Castle Oblivion and headed for the kitchen. Yes, Thursdays were smoothie days for The Luna Diviner. On his way down, while on the sixth floor, he heard obnoxiously loud, emo music coming from Zexion's room.

"_I hate my LIIIIIIFE!_

_Nothing but torment and STRIIIIIFE!_

_I need to get rid of the pain of LIIIIIIIIFE!_

_Makes me glad that I've got my knife_

_Mom and Dad_

_They don't understand_

_Life hurts so bad_

_It's so plain and bla-ha-haaaaaand_

_Everybody's the same_

_They say I'm always to blame_

_The torment never quits!_

_Everyone is such a bit-_"

"Dear God, how can he listen to that trash?" Saïx asked Nobody in particular as he passed by the door and headed down the stairs to the fifth floor. All was silent there, as Lexaeus was most likely down in the gym, exercising, or whatever the Hell he did there. Saïx walked down the other five sets of stairs and continued on his way to the kitchen.

**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**

Saïx walked down some random hallways. When he walked by the den, inside he saw Xigbar and Luxord, playing a game of blackjack while watching some cartoon with a demented-looking yellow rectangle. Number VII shuddered at seeing this. Finally, the blue-haired, elf-lookin' dude reached the fabled kitchen of Castle Oblivion. As he entered, he saw Axel at one end of the counter, eating tapioca pudding, and Marluxia at the other end of the counter (on the opposite side) reading a book while drinking what looked like a cappuccino. Marluxia looked up as the other entered and gave a nod of acknowledgement, because that was polite, for Saïx was The Graceful Assassin's superior. Axel turned around on his stool, when he noticed Marly nod.

"Welcome to the kitchen, Number VII, what may we get for you, today?" he mocked in a sugary tone. Axel and Saïx never really did like each other; that explains some of the hostility in the game. Spoiler! But, hey, _everybody_ knew that already. Said blue-haired man just scowled at the redhead and walked over to the cupboards. "Fine, be that way. You hurt my feelings!" the Flurry of Dancing Flames said (a bit overdramatically), while clutching his shirt where his heart used to be.

"You're pathetic," Saïx scoffed with his back turned, getting a large glass out of the cupboard. He set it down on the counter across from Marluxia. "We don't have feelings. Don't pretend. Don't even joke. It's useless and not amusing in the least."

"O, but I _do_ have a heart! And, with that heart, I _love you_!" the redhead squealed.

"If there was a God, he'd be merciful and take me out of existence right now…" murmured Saïx. This caused Marluxia to go into a fit of giggles. Axel and Saïx both looked over to him.

"Heh… O, sorry…" he mumbled, even though they knew he wasn't really.

"Shut up, Fairy Princess," Axel grumbled. Grumbling **and** mumbling!

Marluxia shot him a glare. "_You_ shut up! I wasn't even doing anything, other than reading! Jackass," he retorted, before going back to his book. Number VIII gave him a dirty look before continuing to eat his tapioca pudding.

"How can you eat _that_ for breakfast?" Saïx asked the redhead incredulously, while giving the pudding a disgusted look.

"Whuh?" Axel questioned through a mouthful of pudding.

"I asked how you could eat pudding for **breakfast**," Elrond replied, obviously annoyed.

"Maybe because it's flipping amazing!" Axel yelled, defending his pudding, while pulling the bowl closer to himself and farther away from Saïx. The elder man scoffed, again.

"You irritate me."

"You **both** irritate me," Marluxia stated, coming completely out of nowhere with that comment. The two looked to the pink-haired man, with glares.

"No one asked you, bitch," Axel told him.

"_I _asked me," was his reply. He then looked back down to his book and began reading again. Axel gave the man the 'highway salute' and started eating more of his pudding. Eew, tapioca. Really, _eew_.

While the other two, younger Nobodies were doing whatever, Saïx got out the supplies for his smoothie. Yeah, that includes one cup fat-free milk, one cup fat- and sugar-free yogurt (strawberry banana, of course), four large strawberries, and one banana. Yes, I did get that recipe online. He spread the ingredients out on the counter and went in search of the blender. But who ever heard of actually _finding_ the appliance you were looking for in Castle Oblivion? That's right, Nobody. I think that may have been a pun. As I was typing, Saïx was looking for the blender.

"Where the **fuck** is the **blender**?" he yelled, outraged, while slamming a cupboard door shut. Axel jumped in his seat and Marluxia's head shot up from his reading when Saïx yelled.

"What are you whining about?" Marly asked, slightly annoyed that his reading was interrupted (again).

"I just asked, where the _fuck_ the _blender_ is!" Saïx roared in response, one vein on his forehead pulsing with what would have been rage, had he had emotions. But I think Nobodies can get angry, regardless.

"Temper, temper big guy," Axel told him, raising his hands up in the manner people use when trying to calm someone down. "Ya gotta control it, got **that** memorized?" Yes, the catchphrase MUST be there. "I mean, jeez, it's not even the full moon yet. You're not due to PMS for another week yet," he told Saïx while laughing.

"Shut up. You were a waste of sperm," was Number VII's response. He hunkered down and opened a cupboard just above the white marble floor, throwing it open quite savagely, and rooting through it with the same impropriety. "I used it yesterday… it should still be on the counter…" he quietly mumbled to himself.

Marluxia and Axel looked at each other with blank expressions, and then they both looked back to Saïx, who was at that point cursing out a metal spoon, that Marluxia used for stirring cookie dough when he baked. "Stupid bastard, that's my special spoon…" the pink-haired Nobody mumbled to himself… or Axel. Whichever.

Saïx suddenly shot up off the ground, standing completely erect. He turned on the other two. "Where the **fuck** is the **blender**!" he growled. Axel shrugged, obviously not afraid of the other, and Marly simply rolled his eyes and gave Saïx a bored look. "Smartasses! Who was in the kitchen today?" he asked them, in a venomous tone.

"Vexen… he had some type of disgusting microwaveable pizza pouch thing, then went back to his experiments…" Marluxia drawled, counting off who'd been in the kitchen so far that day. "Luxord has, but he just made some rice and left. O, that little **bitch **_Demyx_… He made himself a… milkshake," Marly said, face darkening menacingly. "Milkshakes require blenders."

Realization hit Saïx, and his face went slack. Then he broke out into a _very_ sadistic grin. "Excuse me, I have to go see to something…" he told Marluxia and Axel before walking out of the room. The redhead looked down the counter and at Marluxia.

"So, whatcha readin'?" he asked.

"_The Prince_, by Nicolo Machiavelli," The Graceful Assassin replied, holding up the book so that the other could see the grinning Italian's face.

"O, researching how to be a good leader so you can successfully plan some sort of government takeover of the Organization?" Axel asked sarcastically, and then took a bite of his pudding.

"No. Never."

**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**

Sa­ïx stomped up the stairs to the second floor, past Xigbar's room. It was on the stairs to the third story that he remembered he could open a portal to Demyx's room. He did just that. The portal ended just outside of the mul-hawk bearing musician's door, which lay on the floor soon after The Luna Diviner exited the portal.

Inside the room, Demyx was sprawled out on a sofa, leaning against the armrest , with one leg resting on the back of the piece of furniture. He was reading some type of comic book. O, Hell, it was a manga… and it was (drum roll) _Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories_! OMFGWTFLAWL! When the door crashed down and he saw Sa­ïx standing in his doorway, seething with anger, Demyx squeaked in fear. The younger Nobody curled up into the fetal position and started whimpering.

"Noooooooooooooo…" he moaned in fear. "Please, don't hurt me… again," the (almost) man whined, in a low, quiet voice, while shaking in fright.

Sa­ïx just crossed his arms and shook his head, right before he kicked Demyx off of the couch and stomped (but not too hard) on his diaphragm.

"Oomph! Bast-ard!" the blonde choked out, while grabbing his chest, and, again, curled up into the 'fetal position'. "What the Hell do you waaaaaaant?" he whined quietly even more. Sa­ïx glared at the grounded Nobody and leaned in close to his face, causing Demyx to shrink away in fear. This made Sa­ïx smirk maliciously.

"O please, Demyx, I'm not going to **hurt** you," he said with a hint of sarcasm.

The younger Nobody just scowled at him. "Yeah right! As if I can believe _that_! If you're not going to hurt me then why the Hell did you just stomp on my lungs?" he screeched/inquired.

Sa­ïx laughed at him, but the laugh was completely devoid of humor. "I stomped on your _diaphragm_, not your lungs," he scoffed. "Now… Tell me, where is the **blender**?" Demyx was dumbfounded for about seven seconds and wasn't going to tell Number VII where the object in question was, until he saw an evil glint in his superior's eye. "Okay, okay! The blender's over there!" he said hurriedly, pointing to a dresser at the back of the room. "It's in the top left drawer!" Sa­ïx gave him a stupefied look before walking over to look in the aforementioned dresser.

He opened the drawer the blonde had specified, and, to his surprise and Demyx's honor, the blender was indeed setting in the top-left drawer of the dresser. The sheer lack of purpose held Sa­ïx captive by a dumbfounded stupor. "Double-you tee eff…"

Demyx just grinned like a child.

"Why…?" he asked, still completely thunderstruck.

"I'm not telling you-ooooooooo," giggled Demyx while grinning crazily, and rolling (yes, rolling) back up onto the couch he had previously lain on. Sa­ïx just rolled his eyes and opened a portal. But, before walking in, he spoke to the blonde one last time.

"**Never, EVER** even _think_ about touching the blender, again! _Understand_?" he asked, voice laced with poison, not expecting an answer. Demyx giggled in answer, then Sa­ïx stalked through the portal.

**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**

Back in the kitchen, Axel and Marluxia were arguing about whether Larxene used pads or tampons when she was still human and bled out her placenta every month. She still PMSed as a Nobody, but, well, I don't really want to go into further detail on the subject. When he reached the kitchen, Sa­ïx was greatly disturbed at what he heard.

"You two, shut the **fuck** _up_!" he bellowed. The pair were shocked at hearing him, and Axel was so surprised he fell out of his chair; they hadn't even seen him come in! "The conversation is too… ugh… Just, wait until after I make my smoothie to continue," Sa­ïx commanded.

"Psht, whatever," Axel replied, standing and brushing himself off.

"So, I'm guessing Demyx really did have the blender, then?" Marluxia queried.

Sa­ïx looked over from where he plugged the fabled appliance into the wall at. "That's a little too obvious, isn't it?" he replied, loading the ingredients into the blender, placing the lid on, and pressing the ON or whatever it is button that makes blenders work. So what if I don't know how to use a blender? Marluxia glared at him.

"Cow's milk is bad for you. It causes breast cancer," The Pink One told Sa­ïx before standing up from his stool and leaving the kitchen.

"Doesn't matter to me… I'm 'nonexistent' and it's fat-free milk anyways… can't be too bad for me," Sa­ïx mumbled. Axel gave him a curious look.

"Are you talking to yourself, or me?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm talking to the blender. You're not worth my time," The Luna Diviner replied simply.

"O… okay then," Axel said before being frightened away. It always did (sort of) freak Axel out when Sa­ïx talked to appliances, especially the blender. They were basically best friends. The redhead contemplated doodling a picture of Number VII hugging the blender, using the crayons that Luxord so thoughtfully bought him for his thiswasthedayIdiedandjoinedTheOrganizationday. Sort of like a birthday, but not quite. The Flurry of Dancing Flames then summoned a portal and left for his room to draw the picture the picture and then hang it on Sa­ïx's door.

Sa­ïx was left alone in the kitchen with the blender, watching it whirl the contents around, while mercilessly destroying the banana and strawberries to make his deliciously fat-free, sugar-free treat. When the blender finished said activity, he poured the liquid into the glass he'd retrieved from the cupboard earlier and stored it in the refrigerator. He had to clean out the blender before he could drink his smoothie. Taking the cup-part-thing of the blender over to the sink, he lovingly sponged away the remains of the drink that dripped down the sides. After the blender was clean, he took his smoothie from the confines of the fridge and opened a portal that led to his room, where he sat in front of the fireplace and read a romantic love story. The exact same thing he'd wanted to do, ever since that night at The Beehive in Pittsburgh.

**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**_x_**X**

**The End.**

- - -

O dear, that was strange. It took me forever to write, too. Well, type, I mean. Wow, just a little over 2,500 words about Sa­ïx and smoothies. If you're curious about the lunar effect comment, look Organization XIII up on Wikipedia. Yeah, then click the link that says 'lunar effect' in the description of Sa­ïx.

Maybe you should look up Nicolo Machiavelli, too, in case you don't understand that little snippet of conversation between Axel and Marluxia about it. We had to read part of it for the Advanced Placement European History class I'm taking. It was so freaking boring.

I'm eating dark chocolate M&M's right now, and they're yummy.

Hell yes! I just got ungrounded. And I just finished this, so now I can submit it. This makes me happy.

Review, if ya would. Tell me how it was. :D

O, and all rights to that short bit of song that Zexi was listening to belong to me. It's my little satiric song about emo kids. It made my friend laugh hysterically. I gotta finish it sometime. Haha. Whatever.


End file.
